The short answer: you’re normal

If your desire doesn’t match your partner’s, welcome to the most common club in relationships. As Jo Robertson shared on The Cyclist, perfectly matched libidos are a unicorn. Real couples live on a spectrum, across seasons like postpartum, perimenopause, fertility journeys, stress, sleep, mental load, medication, and more.

“I don’t know anybody who has the same libido.” - Jo Robertson, Sex Therapist

Desire is responsive, not a personality trait

Libido isn’t a fixed setting. It responds to:

• Hormones: Ovulation can bring a mini-spike. Perimenopause can make arousal slower and lubrication lower. Postpartum can mute desire while your body prioritises recovery and caregiving.

• Nervous system load: Chronic stress, poor sleep, decision fatigue, and being touched out all nudge your body into energy conservation which dampens libido.

• Relationship climate: Do you feel liked, respected, and emotionally safe right now? Desire grows where safety and care live.

• Pain or fear: Painful sex, recurrent UTIs or thrush, and performance pressure train your body to brace. Bracing and desire do not coexist.

The mismatch moments that surprise couples

• Postpartum: Touch saturation + recovery time means “I love you, just not more touch,” is common.

• Trying to conceive: If intercourse becomes a job, desire taps out.

• Perimenopause: Desire often needs more time, more lube, and more warm-up.

• High-stress seasons: Mortgages, careers, toddlers. Your body is prioritising survival tasks.

Communication that actually works

Aim for “us vs the problem,” not “me vs you.”

Start with desire for connection:

“I want us to feel closer and have more pleasure. Can we try a plan that gets us there without pressure?”

Name the season, remove the blame:

“I’m really touched out after feeds and bedtimes. Could we plan intimacy for weekend afternoons when I have more bandwidth?”

Agree on the goal, not the quota:

Swap frequency targets for outcomes like “more playful touch,” “less pressure,” “one intentional date at home each week.”

Create a yes/yes menu:
Make a shared list of green-light options you both enjoy. Keep penetrative sex as just one option among many.

When pain or fear is present:

• Hit pause on penetration for now.

• Focus on comfortable touch and non-penetrative pleasure while you seek support from a pelvic health physio or GP. Wins restore desire.

Practical resets for a happier libido

• Shrink the mental load: Choose a night each week where the lower-desire partner makes zero household decisions. Decision rest is sexy.

• Change the timing: Try afternoons, showers, or the first 20 minutes after bedtime instead of end-of-day collapse.

• Warm up way earlier: Flirty messages, a proper kiss in the kitchen, a five-minute back rub. Desire often needs a runway.

• Upgrade the environment: Dim lights, music, heating, clean sheets. Sensory safety unlocks the body.

• Rebuild with small wins: Two weeks of zero-pressure touch often does more for desire than one forced “date night.”

• Professional help is a power move: A sex therapist is a coach for communication and rebuilding pleasure, not a referee.

When “less” is actually okay

If you both authentically prefer low-frequency intimacy or none at all for a season and there’s no hidden resentment, that’s a valid choice. The key is authentic agreement rather than one person quietly giving in.

“Compromise should feel peaceful, not like surrender.”

The heart of it

Mismatched desire doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human. Name the season, remove the pressure, and build connection in ways that suit the bodies you have today.

Loved this? Listen to our chat with sex therapist Jo Robertson for more on desire differences, postpartum intimacy, and communication that lands.